alright,i am here again for another post.yay.
but,its another emo post for me.
erm,i have no idea on where to start.
well, i dont really know what happened today.
when i just got back from a class just now,
a friend of mine, find me through msn and start giving me some talks.talk?okay.
she was talking here and there,and unfortunately,i am quite slow catching what she actually wanted to say.
okay,soon i finally got to know.
i dont know whats wrong with her,but from her tone,i felt something different,
i dont know what fault have i done,but i am so sorry first.
yes, of course, i knew she will tell whatever she can.thank you.
you have been really helpful actually.
i didnt realize that,a word is so needed for you,so important for you.
sorry,i really dont know that.
because,whenever i help anyone, i rarely,rarely ask for that word.
as long i am happy helping out,then i dont mind.
i am sorry that i didnt realize that.
i didnt realize i am someone,that is a bit different from others.
sorry again.
i am not mad with what you have told me,but i appreciate it.
just i dont know how to show it.
your words have been useful for me.
just that, i am having problems imply all these things.
i may got to learn so so many things,yet i am unable to do what i wanted.
anything,that i wanted to do,
it will never been done.
dont care whether i am lazy or else,
is still,
i cant do it.
i admit,and i also didnt put too much attention on this kind of things.
i always,yes,its always, neglect about so many things, especially what you have said.
i feel guilty.
i feel bad.
i feel uneasy.
and yes, and of course,
i feel myself,
useless,not needed.
thats what i may feel sometimes,
ever since i got scolded with this word a few years ago by my parent,
i forgot what happened that day,
but now,
sometimes, i still might think of this.
thats why, i changed with my perception.
last time,i used to say, i am one that is so much different, like this like that,
now,
no more.yes, maybe still a bit different.
but,no more with strong mind or tough mind.
i am no longer that boy.
i have thought of this,
i am just too tiny,
no one will ever notice,
insignificant,not noticed,and negligible.
i admit,that i am one that is so weak.
and,useless of course,it came across my mind before,
and sometimes as well.
many people may be able to do different kind of things,
yet, i cant even do anyone of it.
my friend asked to have something change in me,
but, i tried so badly,
i still fail to do it.
friend,okay,buddy, i did try,but,you know, i feel so bad when i didnt succeed anything in my life.
i know,appreciate,but,i am one that is so dumb,
i dont know how to show or express.
well, sorry that you all mind about it.
me too.
i care so much about this.
my character got so many problems.
yes, and my mind as well.
i knew, i may be having slight mental problems or disorder,i dont know.
just something wrong with my mind.
i am so sorry,
thinking of me myself being so unsuccessful,
i did thought about it,
why i cant do like what people did?
i tried,but i still cant.
take this stpm for example,
even my sis, as my parents said, she was actually much slower than me in the case of catching up in studies,
but the fact is, i also couldnt catch up so much and,
i couldnt score a grade higher than hers.
they started comparing.
everyone started comparing.
but, when i am the one compared back,
they scolded me with "dont compare this with other people"
why?
i feel so unfair.
and at the same time,
it really drives me down that i didnt do everything well as what they expected.
they put high hopes on me,
in the sense that, they always thought i would be the best out of the three siblings.
yet, i noticed,
i got so many emo problems,
and nobody has ever notice and care about it.
every single day,
i have to fight with this kind of feeling and fear,
fear to fail in anything.
i am in fear.
fear of so many things.
yet, no one, will ever here,to lend me a shoulder to cry and lean on.
everytime,i only have to let my tears down when i am alone.
no one knows right?
you see myself so cheerful everyday,
but,at the back?
you all got so many things bad to talk about me,thank you.
but,for me,at the back,
is just a lonely boy sitting in his room,
wiping for tears that wet his cheeks and pages of books.
sorry, i didnt do as you all expected.
i am no longer in the golden and glory moment.
i am just a souless man here.
change we need.
he said.
but,change is hard to be done.
i dont know how.
its so pesimistic,sorry.
not to blame anyone,its my very own fault.
for what i have done,it lead me to an emo person.
so sorry,
i have no idea what to write anymore.
i am no longer who i am.
sorry.
and goodbye,
hope we dont meet again. =(
